Forgiveness: Self-Forgiveness. Post #6
Here and there throughout these posts on forgiveness, some of you have brought up the issue of self-forgiveness. I think I’m about to do my worst job ever with a topic. Hope I’ll be able to forgive myself afterwards…
I feel like my thoughts about this are superficial and maybe weird. How’s that for a start? You need to help me out on this one, or this post is going nowhere! But I’ll try, since a number of you brought it up.
Maybe I’ll just list out my own random thoughts and questions. I don’t know how else to begin.
Randomly Speaking…
Could it be that women usually feel more guilt than men, and so they have a stronger interest in self forgiveness? If that’s the case, it strikes me as ironic. I mean, what percent of the world’s violence, for example, is caused by women?
When it comes to specifically religious guilt, however, conservative Christian (Jewish? Islamic?) men as well as women seem to be equally affected. Certainly conservative Christian theology places heavy emphasis on the idea that all of us are “basically sinful,” so this may be why.
Personally, over the larger course of my life, guilt was a minor and almost non-existent theme. I honestly don’t feel “basically sinful.” (This could be my own “ignorance!”) But I’ve done little harm to others, I think some good, and although over the last twelve years there has been much discord in my life, the causes have been an undiagnosable progressive disease, and harm done to me by others. I did go through an angry stage, and still have some anger. But I know that anyone would have to grapple with these things under such circumstances. And although for a while some of the anger was directed at God, it isn’t anymore, hasn’t been for years, and I feel at peace with God. Part of this was seeing that I will remain on God’s side even if it seems that God is not on mine. A lot of good it does God, I guess, but that's how it is.
Personally Speaking…
There is one sense in which I do feel guilty, although everyone tells me it’s ridiculous. I even suppose that I recognize the irrationality myself. Still, I feel this quite deeply.
Despite my best efforts over a long period of time, I appear to be in the process of failing at what I thought, and what truly felt in every way to in fact be, my vocation. Despite having written a book that I’m well qualified to write, and which a wide variety of feedback indicates is a good book, and perhaps very good, it will almost certainly remain unpublished, or else published in such a limited way as to go essentially unread. The reasons are outside my control, having to do with how my work was first interrupted for a long period of time by health problems, and certain facts concerning the publishing industry that now make the quality of the work, especially in the area of nonfiction, of secondary and really relatively minor importance to publishers and agents. On top of this, I feel that I have failed my family. My disability makes me a heavy, long term burden.
So I feel pretty much like a total failure – like I failed God, failed my family, let everyone down. Guess I’m “letting it all hang out” here. But I don’t have a clear concept of self-forgiveness, so I’m just presenting these stray thoughts.
I do know that I’ve given my best, and so on one level, I am very much at peace. But on another level, I feel terrible. I don’t dwell on this feeling, and don’t want to give an exaggerated impression of how much of a problem it is for me. But in the background, it’s there.
Coherently Speaking…
Here’s a coherent thought: one aspect of self forgiveness might involve recognizing that we may judge ourselves far more harshly than we’d ever think of judging others. But I already noticed this, and it doesn’t change my feelings! So at least for me, it’s not the complete answer.
Hmm… just thinking as I write, maybe a dangerous practice… but I’m realizing that we may also expect and even demand things of ourselves that we would never demand from others. I expected to succeed. I demanded it of myself – despite the obvious fact that realizing or failing to realize a practical achievement depends not only on our own efforts, but also on events that impact us favorably or unfavorably.
I felt myself called. I knew that no matter what, I would follow, and have done so. But maybe somewhere along the line I turned my “no matter what” into, and no matter what, I will succeed. But this part really isn’t my call…
I feel like my thoughts about this are superficial and maybe weird. How’s that for a start? You need to help me out on this one, or this post is going nowhere! But I’ll try, since a number of you brought it up.
Maybe I’ll just list out my own random thoughts and questions. I don’t know how else to begin.
Randomly Speaking…
Could it be that women usually feel more guilt than men, and so they have a stronger interest in self forgiveness? If that’s the case, it strikes me as ironic. I mean, what percent of the world’s violence, for example, is caused by women?
When it comes to specifically religious guilt, however, conservative Christian (Jewish? Islamic?) men as well as women seem to be equally affected. Certainly conservative Christian theology places heavy emphasis on the idea that all of us are “basically sinful,” so this may be why.
Personally, over the larger course of my life, guilt was a minor and almost non-existent theme. I honestly don’t feel “basically sinful.” (This could be my own “ignorance!”) But I’ve done little harm to others, I think some good, and although over the last twelve years there has been much discord in my life, the causes have been an undiagnosable progressive disease, and harm done to me by others. I did go through an angry stage, and still have some anger. But I know that anyone would have to grapple with these things under such circumstances. And although for a while some of the anger was directed at God, it isn’t anymore, hasn’t been for years, and I feel at peace with God. Part of this was seeing that I will remain on God’s side even if it seems that God is not on mine. A lot of good it does God, I guess, but that's how it is.
Personally Speaking…
There is one sense in which I do feel guilty, although everyone tells me it’s ridiculous. I even suppose that I recognize the irrationality myself. Still, I feel this quite deeply.
Despite my best efforts over a long period of time, I appear to be in the process of failing at what I thought, and what truly felt in every way to in fact be, my vocation. Despite having written a book that I’m well qualified to write, and which a wide variety of feedback indicates is a good book, and perhaps very good, it will almost certainly remain unpublished, or else published in such a limited way as to go essentially unread. The reasons are outside my control, having to do with how my work was first interrupted for a long period of time by health problems, and certain facts concerning the publishing industry that now make the quality of the work, especially in the area of nonfiction, of secondary and really relatively minor importance to publishers and agents. On top of this, I feel that I have failed my family. My disability makes me a heavy, long term burden.
So I feel pretty much like a total failure – like I failed God, failed my family, let everyone down. Guess I’m “letting it all hang out” here. But I don’t have a clear concept of self-forgiveness, so I’m just presenting these stray thoughts.
I do know that I’ve given my best, and so on one level, I am very much at peace. But on another level, I feel terrible. I don’t dwell on this feeling, and don’t want to give an exaggerated impression of how much of a problem it is for me. But in the background, it’s there.
Coherently Speaking…
Here’s a coherent thought: one aspect of self forgiveness might involve recognizing that we may judge ourselves far more harshly than we’d ever think of judging others. But I already noticed this, and it doesn’t change my feelings! So at least for me, it’s not the complete answer.
Hmm… just thinking as I write, maybe a dangerous practice… but I’m realizing that we may also expect and even demand things of ourselves that we would never demand from others. I expected to succeed. I demanded it of myself – despite the obvious fact that realizing or failing to realize a practical achievement depends not only on our own efforts, but also on events that impact us favorably or unfavorably.
I felt myself called. I knew that no matter what, I would follow, and have done so. But maybe somewhere along the line I turned my “no matter what” into, and no matter what, I will succeed. But this part really isn’t my call…
posted by Paul @ 11:05 AM
40 Comments:
In the beginning of the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius of Loyola, there is a place for a person to dwell on all the bad they've committed in life ... yikes! Now I have a mental list of all the bad stuff I've ever done, though I'm sure I've forgotten some things and don't actually recognise other things as "bad". It's daunting!
I'm less afraid that I won't be able to forgive myself than I am that I'll rationalize away the "badness" ... it's so important to me to not be a bad person that I think I actually keep trying to rewrite the past so that the bad things never happened.
I know that feeling of being a burden to one's family. Because of my vision problem, I can't drive or do some things on my own and I rely tremendously on my sister for help.
Sometimes I recall a conversation between two people on a tv show I watch (Angel, the vampire :-) ... his woman friend who always seemed to need his help, asked him again for some favor, and said, in a kind of despair, that he could just add it to the list of all the things he'd done for her. He said, "There is no list."
A question - how did you get to the place where you weren't mad at God naymore? I'm still so angry I could spit nails. But I don't want to be.
I don't think I'm any expert on whether men and women feel guilt in equal amounts, or whether this leads to the need to forgive the self.
I do know that personally, I have lived in a society that punishes those for "selfishness", which maybe better stated as following ones path. Others are hurt by my choices, and I have to wonder if they, too are not selfish for wanting me to fit into their paradigm. I am not saying that one ignores their loved ones, because many personal choices may involve that loved one.
The balance is always tricky, but I say that if your loves ones really know you, they will understand. I don't think I am responsible for their feelings, save to try and not hurt them intentionally. I am, however, totally responsible for me. Children are a little different, especially when they don't have enough knowledge to make viable choices. Even then, I argue, that they know more than we adults give them credit for. But, that's a whole other topic.
Mermaid, good point: part of woman's possibly added burden of guilt is that women who are inclined to find a balance between caring for others and finding their own path can be made to feel "selfish" for striving for that balance.
Crystal, you ask such good questions I'd have to write a book, ha-ha...
In the space of a comment, I'd just say that it has a lot to do with no longer experiencing or thinking of God as "Other" in the sense of a kind of additional "Object" to be found in the realm of all that reality is. You know: like there's my computer monitor, a tree, a house, Crystal, Paul, the earth, galaxies, the universe - universes? - and swimming around "out there" somewhere is this Super Object known as God. A kind of Puppet-Master God, pulling all our strings at a distance.
For me, the relationship between ourselves and God is much more intimate than this.
About book publishing ... I'm sure you've researched the subject but you might find a website I belong to interesting - The Writer's BBS
You don't need a password to read the posts in the forums and registration is free for almost all the site. There are a number of members who are published in fiction and non-fiction ... maybe they can be helpful.
but I’m realizing that we may also expect and even demand things of ourselves that we would never demand from others
Never truer words have been spoken! I can relate very much to this sentiment--currently I've been selected to help mentor a group of women to become speakers for a particular cause, yet have never spoken for this particular cause myself. Why? Because I happen to be a very compassionate mentor--yet cannot seem to extend that compassion to myself.
I live under the spectre of perfectionism instilled in me by my mother...and I think this is where alot of women also get their over-inflated sense of guilt. Mothers often want to instill in their daughters the things that will keep them on the right track and make them good husband-material. This sometimes means holding the daughter back from achieving her potential and basically making her apologize for her existence.
This can happen to sons, too...I've seen it.
I struggle daily to succeed in this world, to not feel guity for my existence, to forgive myself for mistakes that make me something of an outsider (although I seem to have alot of friends--go figure). Do not feel bad that you, too, struggle with it Paul...you've got lots of company :-)
One day I may be able to forgive myself, but, first, I must tackle the perfectionism. That's at the root of it for me.
Crystal, thanks, I'll check it out.
Tish - Perfectionism... Yeah, I can see how that would result in demands on self that one wouldn't place on others in the manner that you describe.
I think for me it's - well, I know it makes no sense, to start. But emotionally, it's like I was so going all out, and putting my best effort into it over many years, and ended up actually creating something beyond my best expectations, and whose worth those who've read the manuscript also see - and yet by now, it's become quite clear that the odds are that all that time, in reality, I was just playing around. It wasn't a vocation, it only felt like one and produced the intended effect - but not quite.
It makes me furious and disgusted with myself. I don't know, like a basketball player driving for the net, everything feels perfect, you've gotten past the last defender, your jump and extension feel just right - and the ball inexplicably doesn't go in the net. It's not even a good analogy, because here I know the reasons.
And I also realize that plenty of other good and even great work has been snuffed out in every generation. Just look, as one example, at the millions of lives interrupted and ended by the holocaust. Statistically, some number of men and women must have been in the middle of promising work that never came to fruition.
I'm not disgusted with any of them...
Maybe it has to do with "carrying the ball so long," driving most of the way down the court, taking so much responsibility all the way, at every step protecting the ball, using all your instincts and intelligence to go down the lane... Or like the experience of miscarriage. You're so dedicated, either way, to approaching the goal and successfully negotiate so much territory and time, that when the final result doesn't happen, maybe you've just gotten so used to taking responsibility for it... Yeah, maybe that's it... You need to know where your responsibility finally ends.
Sorry for thinking aloud here. I guess if I'm going to indulge myself this way, better my blog than somebody else's!
To the extent that either forgiveness or self-forgiveness imposes an emotional drag or burden upon one's spirit, I think that it may also invite other important non-spiritual messages to "piggy-back" along. Sooner or later, self-awareness signals you to investigate what may be holding you back, at which point, it may surprise you to find out how many issues
you've been hauling around, unresolved. I
like both forgiveness and self-forgiveness
as human traits, and i can usually find it within to forgive all slights or offenses (though forgetting them is still an elusive talent). Self-forgiveness is a bit harder, but not because I hold myself to different standards. It just takes a little more evaluation to isolate why I'm forgiving myself. That might sound a bit superficial, but often as not, it leads to
some pretty harrowing self-help behavior
that won't happen overnight, if ever.
I've been thinking about your unpublished
manuscript, and judging by your blog writings, I'm sure that rejections are not
being based on technical merits, but more likely. l'aire du temps. Publishers may be
thinking about potential target audiences,
and finding that peoples' lifestyles are
preoccupied with strictly lay concerns, like whether they will be able to sustain
their lifestyles with 3$ gas, war in Iraq, and a "burgeoning" economy that keeps them
looking over their shoulders. They may
conclude that the time simply isn't right to put out a religious book, even one as
eminently readable as I'm sure yours is.
This reasoning would be extremely flawed,
in my view. There are seasons for all subjects, and if ever there was a time to
seek reconciliation, sure this must be it.
Writing is a calling unto itself- please do not devote another second to seeking self-forgiveness for taking it seriously
or pursuing it with passion.
G-Fish, thanks. I would somehow have guessed we were similar that way. When I was leading a normal life, I also "didn't sweat the small stuff"; found that the ordinary small slights and affronts just didn't bother me much. Forgiveness wasn't really even necessary, I just wasn't that bothered.
With publishing, I know the reasons that it's unlikely, and they're straightforward. In the mid nineties, when I was nearly finished the book, the spirituality market hadn't become big business yet. Attempts to diagnose a disease that it apparently turns out nobody else in the world has, forced me to put off work on the manuscript for seven or eight years.
Meanwhile, the "spirituality market" became saturated. Everyone who can make money off of spirituality/religion is doing so, and the publishers love it - Madonna, for example, is now a major spiritual author. And any business person who does some public speaking and can present him or herself as something of a guru - sold! They have the "marketing platform," meaning a built in audience that virtually assures publishers a profit on their book.
Publishing has become a bottom line industry - like health care. There's no interest in taking a risk on a nonfiction book by someone without a built in audience just because the book is good and they could easily afford to take a chance here and there. Every book needs to increase the bottom line - that's the attitude.
I wish I were just being sour-grapes/cynical, but this is an accurate picture. And I appreciate your favorable view of the blog, a lot - but the book is SO much better than the blog. So it's tough.
Thanks for the kind words. I should add I'm not completely out of hope, just nearly. I still have a few worthwhile publishers that can be approached without an agent (the agents are generally even more unapologetically bottom-line oriented than the publishers). So I'm doing that.
Writing seriously is a funny thing. You're right, that in part it has an energy of its own - a "calling unto itself," as you put it. The process, especially in the long creative stage - prior to the grunt work of turning it into a finished product, when you're mainly doing what I'd describe as various levels of editing - is intrinsically meaningful and rewarding.
At the same time, to write seriously is to seriously desire to communicate. That's the part that's hard - when you've managed to articulate a message well enough to know it's of potential use to others, and as much as you enjoyed the process, communicating was always the purpose and point.
In any case, life's managed to go on with far greater "tragedies" than my manuscript failing to be published. So I'm certainly not deeply concerned about it, even though the surface of my personal waters is getting ruffled, and I do think it's a bit unfortunate - it might have contributed to the current genuine interest in addressing these matters on the part of so many people today that's allowing the publishing industry to profit from it.
I just wish there were more genuine interest in the subject matter within the industry...
Anyway, thanks again. And btw, thanks for being the first person to post to this blog when I started it last March.
A contemplating soul
Wondering all over the sky
Yet the first place to begin the search
Lies within ourselves
Letting the stream to pass by
In its coolness touch to remind us
There is no other place but inside of us
Where we can allow forgiveness to ourselves
Copyright 2005 nasra al adawi
I for on I find its easy to forgive and ill work hard to forgive others…Yet Im not sure how the ritual of self forgiveness begins. Sometime it’s the fear for not been accepted by others. I had this idealistic frame mind that even though how human I am, I should strive to be good. I feel so trapped into my soul, cause no matter how scolding do I give myself is nothing at all. There at times I’m so sure of the answer but I wonder if self or giving is connected to self love. I need to love myself more in able to forgive myself.
I hope my words are nt out of the basis of the subject discussed..
Thank you Paul
By the way you don’t have to return the favor of adding my blog into yours. For me it was just easier to access your blog
Nasra, of course I want to blogroll you. I was thinking of doing it anyway.
I think there could be a lot to what you say about a connection between self love and self forgiveness. Maybe it's even central.
I wonder if anyone has further thoughts on this...
Paul forgive me...Im really bad speller...
As you came to know by now..Thanks for this article...I hope you will like what I wrote in my blog
Take Good Care of your self
Honestly Paul.. this post led me to think about "guilt" (but i guess it's off-topic?)
:)
Nasra, I do, thanks.
Asiansmiles: Guilt - not off-topic at all. I think guilt is exactly the feeling we have when we don't forgive ourselves.
Lack of self-forgiveness is judging and blaming ourselves instead of others. Often others don't feel guilty when we blame them, but we always feel guilty when we blame ourselves.
I guess we take ourselves pretty seriously. Maybe too seriously.
"Often others don't feel guilty when we blame them, but we always feel guilty when we blame ourselves.
I guess it boils down to our own standards and knowledge. The more we know about the ideal standards, propriety, the legal laws, the religious doctrines etc., the more we are inclined to follow it. Hence, we expect ourselves to live up to it; consequently, the more that we realize that we failed our own standards, the more that we feel guilt and blame ourselves.
Unlike in forgiving others, we give our offenders the benefit of the doubt that they may not know what they have done or they may have done their best already. And to add to it, we also know that moral standards are highly relative, or that ‘intelligence’ is highly individualistic.
It’s pure generosity on our part to give them that benefit of the doubt – which unfortunately, is something that we cannot extend to ourselves because we know what we have done, we know what we should do, we know where we failed and we know where we continue to fail.
2cents.
Paul there is not a day go by that I don't think about you. I read your Blog and your comments on other Blogs ... but it's been hard to find the words to say what have already been said, and said much better then I could ever hope to express.
This article really help me ... and now I don't feel so along in my thoughts. Thank you.
See .. I got the courage to comment here ... now I am aware that I should forgive myself when I feel out of my league to contribute a comment or two ... when a subject has been presented in such a way that it touches my heart, and bring clearity to my mind ... again, thank you.
Asiansmiles: How can we tell whether or not someone, including ourselves, has done their best? How do we judge that?
And is one person's best the same as another's?
I have trouble with this one too. For me the problem is this: As an abstraction, it's easy for me to believe that everyone does their best. Flaws, especially self-ignorance, and ignorance of our connection to a greater reality, or what many of us call God, often make a person's "best" not very good, and even terrible. Still, perhaps it's the best they can do.
Where I have trouble is sometimes, using my own standards to judge others, it's so very hard for me, at a gut level, to really believe that what I'm seeing is the person's "best."
I have the feeling that being in the business of passing judgment, whether on ourselves or others, is probably both a questionable and useless enterprise. Certainly we can and should judge certain behaviors as harmful and undesirable; but passing judgment on the person may be quite another matter. And yet, for some reason, this is so hard to resist doing.
Liquidplastic: Actually, I've been noticing your comments on Joe's blog, and I've been thinking: I have to check out this guy's blog sometime! You beat me to it, but not by much... So I'll be looking at your blog too.
You're not out of your league, and I'm glad this can be useful for you. Thank you.
What a stunning post, and one which is truly timely in light of all that has gone on this week.
In my experience, when we truly forgive ourselves, we give ourselves permission to give, and to grow, to morph into someone so much bigger and better for our own shoes.
I came across your blog, via another blog. Great blog, by the way!
Barbara, thanks, and I think what you say is true for all aspects of spiritual growth and development, and not only forgiveness: that it involves learning something about an identity which, as you put it, is "bigger and better than our own shoes."
There is an aspect to each of us, I believe, which is bigger than our own personalities, and that we can sense and feel. We are finite beings that somehow, it seems to me, brush up against the infinite.
It's just hard to realize, and, once realized, hard to remember.
You mentioned feeling like a failure to God and others mentioned guilt and it brought to mind something I spent a very long time thinking about when I had a big decision to make a few years ago now. What I thought about was that, as I believe in a god who is infinite, and in whom I "live and move and have [my] being", than whatever I do there is no way I can mess up God's plan for me. This isn't necessarily fatalistic, but it's to say that whatever God's plan is, whether it's a very specific life sequence or an end result that I have to come to by whatever means, if God is all-knowing and all-powerful and all-good then I don't need to worry about being a failure because I don't have the power to destroy God's (good) plan for me.
Paul
I cut and paste an interesting article from Frank Viola
It is found on:
http://www.ptmin.org/liberty.htm
My choice is the last one: "Paul's Gospel" LOL
The Three Gospels
During the thirty years that I have been a Christian, I have observed that most believers can be divided up into two tribes. The libertines and the legalists.
The libertines are those who go to church, own a Bible, and profess to believe in Jesus Christ. However, they have no vital relationship or walk with the Lord. And they hold to the same values as do non-Christians.
In fact, if you were to examine their lifestyle, you would discover that libertines live no differently from those who are lost. Their attitude is that God only wants us to be nice to others and try our best to be good. Beyond that, God does not care how we live. So long as a person mentally assents that God exists and that Jesus is Savior, they are worthy to bear the name "Christian."
The libertine is a product of a certain kind of gospel. Note that I am using the word "gospel" in a very specific sense to describe one’s message about Jesus Christ and the Christian life (Rom. 2:16; 16:25; 2 Tim. 2:8). I am not using it in the more common sense to describe the gospel story as it is presented in the New Testament (Mark 1:1).
The gospel of libertinism can be described as follows: Believing in Jesus is mere mental assent. God has little interest in the way people live their lives. God simply expects us to do the best we can. Believing in Jesus has little impact on a person’s lifestyle or values.
Here is the language of the libertine:
"We are all sinners, and we all sin. God understands my sin."
"The Bible is not completely relevant for us today. We can’t expect to hold to the same values as the people did in Bible times. We live in a different world with different values."
"I live the way I want. God loves me, and I am saved, so I can do anything I please."
"Yes, I’m a Christian. But regarding my sin, that is just the way I am. I don’t want to change, I can’t change, and I won’t change."
The gospel of libertinism is aimed directly at the flesh. Its message gives the fallen nature free reign to do as it pleases. At the same time, this gospel suppresses the voice of one’s conscience.
ANOTHER GOSPEL
Standing contrary to the libertine is the legalist. Like the libertines, legalists are the products of a certain kind of gospel.
Legalists are those who have a heart of love for the Lord. Their conversion to Christ has produced a change of values and lifestyle. They take God seriously, they take His Word seriously, and they try to please Him in their conduct.
However, they have added a bundle of man-made rules to the Scriptures and are judgmental toward those who fail to keep those rules. They also believe that they can fulfill the Christian standard, and they do their best in trying to keep it.
The gospel of legalism can be described as follows: God is holy, and He has made clear demands on men and women. We must warn, exhort, rebuke, and admonish ourselves and others to fulfill those demands.
Here is the language of the legalist. (This gospel dominates the pages of most Christian books and the content of most sermons today):
"We must . . ."
"We need to . . . "
"We have to . . ."
"You had better . . ."
"If you do . . . then God will be happy with you."
"If you don’t do . . . then God will be angry with you."
The implication of such vocabulary is that if we fail to obey God’s laws, then He will be angry with us. Embedded in the gospel of legalism is the tacit threat that the Lord’s love and acceptance of His children is tied to their conduct.
The gospel of legalism is aimed directly at the will. It gives the human will the illusion that it can keep the standards of God. At the same time, it weakens the conscience, causing it to believe that certain practices are sinful when they are not (1 Corinthians 8; 1 Corinthians 10; Romans 14-15.)
There are degrees of legalism, from mild to extreme. And there are degrees of libertinism as well. But the fact is that the overwhelming majority of Christians today can be put into one of these two camps.
PAUL’S GOSPEL
Thankfully, there is a third gospel. But it is rarely preached today. This gospel is the one we find dominating the letters of Paul. It is neither libertine nor legalistic.
Instead of focusing on the demands of God, Paul’s gospel focuses on the spiritual reality of what actually happened to us when Jesus Christ died and rose again. It takes its view, not from the earth, but from the heavenlies—behind the very eyes of God.
Paul’s gospel gospel proclaims and declares what God has made us in Christ and who Christ is in us.
In Paul’s gospel, the standards of God are neither ignored or rationalized into irrelevant oblivion (as in the gospel of the libertine). On the other hand, the standards of God are never presented as demands by which our acceptance by God is tied (as in the gospel of the legalist).
Instead, Paul’s gospel is always rooted in the unconditional acceptance, security, and wealth that the believer has in Christ. For this reason, whenever Paul presents a standard of God, he always presents it from this vantage point: It is the conduct that those who are in Christ naturally exhibit.
Paul never taught the standards of God as universal rules or laws to be obeyed by human effort. Rather, he only mentioned the Christian standard when he was addressing a highly specific problem wherein God’s people were not living according to who they were in Christ. Paul’s intention in doing so was to remind God’s people of who they really were in God’s eyes.
Paul’s gospel is aimed directly at the renewed spirit of man. Its message strengthens the spirit to take charge of the mind, will, and emotions. At the same time, it strengthens the conscience, causing it to be responsive to the Holy Spirit.
A crucial, but little know fact is that the New Testament is not a book of rules for us to follow. Instead, the New Testament is a spiritual narrative that is made up of the following: History books about the life of Jesus and the life of His church (the Gospels and Acts), letters to churches and individuals that are in crises (the Epistles), and a breathtaking vision of Jesus Christ’s triumphant victory over the world (Revelation).
Virtually all of Paul’s letters were written in response to a particular crisis that God’s people were experiencing. Paul’s custom was to address the crisis in this order:
1. He would first remind Christians of their true identity in Christ. He would also remind them of the all-sufficiency of Christ who had come to dwell inside of them.
2. He would describe the behavior of those who are new creatures in Christ.
3. When a church was not acting according to its true identity, he would exhort the believers to live according to their true identity rather than according to their false identity. That is, he would exhort them to walk in line with who they are rather than who they used to be.
Let us look at some of Paul’s letters to trace this pattern. Paul takes this approach in virtually all of his epistles. It is his custom for addressing problems in Christian communities.
Consider how this approach differs from both the libertine and the legalistic approaches.
THE PATTERN IN GALATIANS
The facts . . .
He has rescued you from this present evil age (1:4).
You have been justified by faith apart from the works of the Law (2:16).
You have died to the Law so that you may live to God. You have been crucified with Christ. You no longer live, but Christ lives in you. He loved you and gave Himself for you (2:19-20).
You received the Holy Spirit by believing (3:2).
You are children of Abraham (3:7).
Christ redeemed you from the curse of the Law (3:13).
Since faith has come, you are no longer under the supervision of the Law (3:25).
You are sons of God through faith in Jesus Christ. You were baptized in Christ and you are clothed with Christ. You belong to Christ and you are heirs to God’s promise (3:26-29).
You are sons of God, and you have the full rights of sons. Because you sons, God has given you His Spirit. And that Spirit testifies that God is your Father. You are not slaves, but sons and heirs of God (4:4-7).
The heavenly Jerusalem is your mother (4:26).
You are children of promise (4:28)
You are called to be free (5:13).
You belong to Jesus Christ and you have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires (5:24).
What counts is a new creation, of which you are a part (6:15).
Because of these facts . . .
Stand fast in the liberty that Christ has given you and don’t be burdened by the yoke of slavery to the Law (5:1).
Do not use your freedom to indulge in the sinful nature, but rather, serve one another in love (5:13).
Live by the Spirit and you will not fulfill the desires of the sinful nature (5:16).
Since you live by the Spirit, keep in step with the Spirit. Do not be conceited, provoking and envying one another (5:25-26).
Carry one another’s burdens (6:2).
Do not become weary in well doing. Do good to all people, especially your fellow brethren in Christ (6:9-10).
THE PATTERN IN 1 CORINTHIANS
The facts . . .
You are holy in Christ and you are called holy ones (1:2)
God’s grace has been given to you in Christ. In Him, you have been enriched in every way. You do not lack any spiritual gift. He will keep you strong until the end so that you will be blameless on the day of Jesus Christ (1:4-8).
Because of God you are in Christ Jesus who has become your wisdom, your righteousness, your holiness, and your redemption (1:30).
You have received the Spirit of God, not the spirit of the world, that you might know what God has freely given you (2:12).
You are God’s temple and God’s Spirit lives in you (3:16).
Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you. You are not your own. You were bought with a price (6:19).
Because of these facts . . .
Be of the same mind and have no divisions among you (1:10).
Since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like "natural men," contrary to who you really are? (3:4).
Do not deceive yourselves (3:18).
Judge nothing before the appointed time (4:5).
I urge you to imitate me (4:16).
Get rid of the old yeast among you . . . expel the wicked man from among you (5:7, 12).
Flee from sexual immorality . . . honor God with your body (6:18, 20).
THE PATTERN IN COLOSSIANS
The facts . . .
You are holy and faithful in Christ (1:2).
The Father has qualified you to share in His inheritance. He has rescued you from the dominion of darkness. He has transferred you into the Kingdom of Christ. In Christ, you have redemption and the forgiveness of sins (1:12-14).
He is the Head of His Body, the church, of which you are a part (1:18).
Once you were enemies alienated from God. Now He has reconciled you by Christ’s death to present you holy and blameless in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation (1:21-22).
Christ is in you, the hope of glory (1:27).
You have received Christ Jesus as your Lord (2:6).
You have been given fullness in Christ. In Him, you were spiritually circumcised and have put off the sinful nature. You were buried with Christ by baptism and have been raised with Him through faith in the power of God who raised Him from the dead (2:10-12).
God made you alive with Christ. He forgave you of your sins. He canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against you and opposed you. He nailed that code to His cross (2:13-14).
You have died with Christ to the basic elements of this world (2:20).
You have been raised with Christ (3:1).
You died and your life is hid with Christ in God. Christ is your life. When He appears, you will appear with Him (3:3-4).
You used to walk in the sinful nature. You have taken off the old self with its practices and put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of your Creator 3:7-10).
You are God’s chosen people, holy, and dearly loved (3:12).
You are members of one Body and are called to peace (3:16).
Because of these facts . . .
Continue to walk in Christ, just as you received Him (2:6).
See to it that no one takes you captive by deceptive philosophy that is not according to Christ (2:8).
Do not let anyone judge you in what you eat or drink, or in regard to keeping a religious festival, a new moon celebration, or a Sabbath day (2:16).
Set your hearts on things above where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things (3:1-2).
Put to death whatever belongs to your earthly nature (3:5).
Rid yourselves of such things as anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language. Do not lie to each other (3:8-9).
Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Put on love. Let the peace of Christ rule in your heart. Be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly. Whatever you do, do it in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God (3:12-17).
Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful (4:2).
Let your conversation be always full of grace (4:6).
THE PATTERN IN EPHESIANS
The facts . . .
God has blessed you with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places in Christ. He chose you in Christ before the creation of the world so that you would be holy and blameless in His sight. In love, He predestinated you to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ. He has freely given you His grace and you are accepted in His Beloved Son. In Him you have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins. He has lavished the riches of His grace upon you with all wisdom and understanding (1:3-8).
In Christ, you were chosen and predestined according to His eternal plan. You have been given an inheritance in Him (1:11).
You used to be dead in your trespasses and sins. You used to follow the way of the world and the ruler of the kingdom of darkness (2:1-2).
God who has a great love for you and who is rich in mercy, made you alive in Christ, even when you were dead in transgressions. You have been saved by grace. God raised you up with Christ and seated you with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus in order that in the coming ages He might show the incomparable riches of His grace, expressed in His kindness to you in Christ Jesus. You have been saved by grace, through faith. It is not of yourselves, but it is the gift of God. Not by works, lest any person should boast. You are God’s workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for you to do (2:4-10).
You were included in Christ. You were marked in Him with a seal of the promised Holy Spirit. The Spirit is a deposit guaranteeing your inheritance. You are God’s possession (2:13-14).
You are now in Christ Jesus. You were once far away, but you have been brought near by the blood of Christ (2:13).
He Himself is your peace (2:14).
Through Christ you have access to the Father by one Spirit (2:18).
You are fellow citizens with God’s people and members of God’s household (2:19).
You are being built together to become a dwelling place in which God lives by His Spirit (2:20).
You are members of one Body (4:25).
You are dearly loved children (5:1).
Christ loved you and gave Himself up for you as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God (5:2).
You are God’s holy people (5:3).
For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord (5:8).
Because of these facts . . .
I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle: be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace (4:1-3).
You must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking . . . you didn’t come to learn Christ that way. You were taught to put away your old self . . . to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor. In your anger do not sin. He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work. Do not let any unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for the building up of others according to their needs. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ has forgiven you (4:17, 20-32).
Be imitators of God and live a life of love (5:1-2).
There must not be sexual immorality, impurity, greed, obscenity, foolish talk, or course jesting among you which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving (5:3-4).
Do not be partners with those who practice these things (5:7).
Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them (5:11).
Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. Speak to one another in psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord. Always giving thanks to God. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (5:17-21).
THREE VARIED APPROACHES
The gospel of libertinism, the gospel of legalism, and Paul’s gospel represent three very different positions when it comes to matters of sin and morality. For the sake of illustration, let us take the issue of slander, which the New Testament condemns. (Feel free to insert any other sin that the Scriptures clearly address.)
Concerning the practice of slandering, the libertine gospel says, "This issue is irrelevant. We live in a different world than the people of the Bible did. Our values are different and more advanced. God loves us all and understands our needs. We all sin. God loves everyone so you are judging a person if you expect them to stop this behavior."
The legalistic gospels says, "God will judge those who violate His commandments. Christians need to stop sinning in this way. They must get right with God or else they will be judged. They must do their dead-level best to stop slandering others."
In contrast, Paul’s gospel exhorts, "Let me remind you that you are part of a new species. Jesus Christ lives in you, and you are in Christ. As such, your old fallen nature is dead in Christ. Therefore, put off the old lifestyle of slandering others. For that is the conduct of a fallen species. It is not your conduct. Live according to who you really are and by the higher life that dwells within you."
REFINING OUR GOSPEL
Paul’s gospel was built on the understanding that the key to spiritual transformation was not found in trying to improve oneself. Nor was it found in trying to do better or in trying to overcome sin.
Rather, it was found in a revelation of who the believer is in Christ and who Christ is in the believer. To put it in a sentence: The Christian life is becoming what you are.
Paul’s tendency was to remind God’s people who they have become as new creatures in Christ. And upon this revelation, he gave exhortations to their renewed spirits when they had forgotten who they were.
The testimony of the church, therefore, is one of embracing and proclaiming the gospel that Paul preached. Paul’s gospel was one of liberty and of setting God’s people free. It provided freedom from the fruitless attempt to keep a moral standard or an ethical code. Yet it also provided freedom from the power of the fallen nature.
The testimony of the church is one of liberty . . . the liberty that is in Christ Jesus. A liberty that sets us free from trying to be both good and bad, and brings us to a living knowledge of the One who indwells us.
So the next time you hear someone preach, ask yourself, "What gospel am I hearing?" Am I being exhorted to feel comfortable in my sin and justify it (libertinism)? Am I being exhorted to try harder and be a better Christian (legalism)? Or am I being presented with Jesus Christ . . . and am I being reminded of the high place that he has caused me to stand?
Embracing the gospel of libertinism or the gospel of legalism will put you in the flesh. The fruit of the gospel of libertinism is the defiling acts of the flesh. The fruit of the gospel of legalism is the self-righteousness of the flesh. Both gospels produce fleshly activity and thus produce death rather than life.
Only Paul’s gospel . . . the gospel of grace . . . will bring you into the liberty that is yours in Christ Jesus.
sorry the post was veryyyyyyy long
Matthew: "the one in whom we live and move and have our being" is one of the most meaningful verses to me. Thanks for the reminder, in this context.
Renee: True, you have set a record! However, it's really interesting to see your thinking about these three divisions of what I would tend to think of as conservative Christians. (Because to me it seems that there are more kinds of Christians than just those three - not that you were claiming your categories were the only ones, just to mention this.)
Your perspective really explains your refreshing lack of shrillness and condemnation of people who don't think exactly like you do, which I think unfortunately has become associated with conservative Christianity, in the minds of many - these would be conservatives falling in the "legalistic" category that you mention. I still think they don't HAVE to be that way, even though so many are. It seems to me it ought to be possible for them to acknowledge that their approach to God isn't the one and only one that has to be the way for everyone. They could still take their own approach, in other words, but leave the self-righteousness out.
"Hmm… just thinking as I write, maybe a dangerous practice… but I’m realizing that we may also expect and even demand things of ourselves that we would never demand from others."
Dear Paul,
This has most certainly been a "TRUTH" in my life during my 43 years on the planet. Why this has been the case seems much less practical then asking what do I do to slowly change these unresonable self demands.
Like all change and growth, it is a process. I am far more comfortable in my shoes in midlife then I was in the first two decades. Of course it is worth noting that the availablity of a womens size 10 shoes is abundent now as compared to almost non existent 20 years ago =)
Namaste,
MB
Mary Beth, I agree: Only if answering the why helps let you off the hook in practical terms is it worth anything. The changes that we go through, to me, have always been more, and meant more, than I can completely account for.
Just a thought Paul... about passing judgment and “bests”. (I may be overstretching your topic a little bit but I'll post it nonetheless)
I agree with you that it is difficult not to “judge”. I think it is necessary so we could protect ourselves from being harmed by others or at least, be disappointed. Matthew mentioned about fatalism and indeed, it is also wise for most of us to avoid it. We couldn't let our generosity and kindness expose us to abuse, that's why "judging" is a necessity. (I personally try not to use the word "judging", because it’s rather too rigid. In essence, we only "learn" who they really are and what they are capable of doing). Next question though is this: how do we react to the "judgment"? Our reaction or our next move will tell a lot about our own character and virtues. In other words, we may pass judgment, but unless we react to them, it will remain as such… a “judgment”, a “learned perception”.
It's rather hard to assume that one person's best is the same as another's. Because we perceive things differently and define things differently. What may be "good" for us may not be "good" for others. What's "right" for us may not be "right" for others. Same with “bests”.
Various factors like culture, religious beliefs, norms and traditions could spell a world of the difference in our standards (‘relative’), not to mention that each person has different levels of 'intelligence', knowledge and capabilities. Their “best” may be too mediocre for people who are more knowledgeable, more intelligent and more capable. So basically, ‘judging’ may work for us too insofar as realizing who and when to forgive… and why.
Apologies for oversimplifying and the rhetorics, but... we need to know when the person is already bleeding so we could stop pushing him up against the wall. And we have to know too where the wall is. If we could help pushing it, then we push it. If all efforts are exhausted and still it wouldn't move, then we know it's the end of the struggle. It isn't easy. Some people spend a lifetime of "pushing the wall" and still it "wouldn't move".
I posted a message in your Changes blog about forgiveness, and those are my own and personal “criteria” for forgiving. I apply it to myself too- when I need to beg for forgiveness and when I need to forgive myself (to repost the most common: The need for sincere repentance (apology + change + effort/s to undo or lessen the damages- with emphasis on the last act, the most tiring and most difficult). After this, I always believe that “I have done my part and this is my best at the moment”. If forgiveness is still not granted, then “tell me what more could I do”. This lessens the guilt.
Needless to say, those are my standards that may be different from yours. Those are what I expect from my offenders too. If they can’t live up to my standards, then back to free gracing – not for their benefit, but mine. For my own peace of mind.
thanks and God bless.
(apologies for the previous post that I had to delete, error)
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
Asiansmiles: I wonder if the idea of judging behavior but not judging the person - might that not be getting at your basic idea, maybe from a slightly different angle? Judging the person, for example, might include assuming that their best ought to be the same or similar to one's own best.
But maybe you could still judge the person's behavior as wrong, recognize its harmfulness, without "passing judgment" on the person him or herself.
Paul,
I sense that you're really angry right now, and so I hope that forgiveness is what is needed. However, I don't think acceptance of your failure is a good way to think of it. You haven't seen the full results yet have you? I see you working out a lot of things and coming to the same conclusions that I would, but you don't even believe yourself. Going through the process of your therapy is a helpful perspective on these feelings of disappointment, but they still seem self-directed, and this is what I think you're talking about when you say that you expect more from yourself than you would from others. You should expect a lot from yourself, but expecting more of yourself than is humanly possible is unhealthy. Maybe you feel that you've gotten away from yourself whereas you can see others and accept them for what they are. I relate to this. I think there are mysteries about ourselves that don't allow us to verify our non-compliance with disasters that nevertheless become our lives. Yet we have the chance to check ourselves every moment. I guess what I want to say, and maybe my opinion doesn't matter, because afterall, you have your own relationship with yourself and I don't even know you, but to think that you have failed is to pit yourself against yourself, as if you have wronged yourself. What exactly did you do wrong to warrant your own comtempt at which you are prompted to forgive? Try? You tried to fulfill your vocation!! This is a wonderful thing to do! Whether or not you succeded in publishing a best-selling novel or not shouldn't take away from what you consider your writing to be. I'm sorry if this let you or your family down or you down BECAUSE of your family or vice-versa, but someone told me today that I should view things as a challenge rather than a problem. I think you should too. It builds character to have challenges (problems) sometimes. I'm glad you can speak in so many different ways, so don't ever tell yourself to give up. Instead, just keep listening to yourself. You have something important to say.
paul,
some self guilt is important, but so is self forgiveness. but like when forgiving others, i think forgiving yourself after admitting you were wrong is needed, rather than before. if you admit your wrong, then you won't do it again (hopefully), but if you forgive yourself without really admitting it, then you are just in denial.
also i think to forgive myself, i should do some effort to make up for my mistake, if it is towards others, i would try to fix it or at least make it up to them if i can.
in your case however, i don't know what you have to be guilty about. it is not your fault how things turn out. i think u are a bit too harsh on yourself. it is your duty to yourself to do what you can to succeed, but not actually to succeed. the results are not in our hands, only our efforts, and i think you have done yours.
maybe what you feel sometimes is a hurt pride rather than guilt. everyone wants to feel self sufficient and independent. not have to ask for things and be needy. but hey we do not create our needs all the time. and don't feel bad, it is your loved ones' duty to be there for you, just like you would have been there for them if things were in reverse.
it is ok to need others sometimes, nobody can live alone or with out the help of others, the degree varies that is all.
take care
I just saw your post at Father Jake's and came by to learn more about you.
Forgive me for interrupting, but, if you don't mind me asking. About the book, have you sent it to many publishers? Publishers specializing in your kind of material? Have sought out an agent? Have you attempted to network through writers conferences (a very useful tool)? What kind of publishing have you considered? Perhaps you should get started on book number two or, and this is another thought, perhaps you should build a resume publishing in journals and magazines--if you haven't done so already?
About self-forgiveness, I must confess that I have had those times when it was difficult to do. I've wept through church, denied myself communion, agonized and prayed and everything else I could think of. It is a part of a process, to regret what we have done and to ask forgiveness for it. But it is also necessary to remember that he loved us so much that he gave his life for us--in other words, he gave us a gift. And so we need to move on once we have repented and accept his forgiveness. I believe that our inability to forgive ourselves distances us from God as much as our unforgiveness of others.
Annie
Hi Paul.. (good morning :D)
You're right about 'slightly different angle'. Hating the act, not the person is a kind approach for forgiveness.
(maybe we have a different idea about the phrase "passing judgment"?)
I see "judging" as 'learning', 'defining', 'forming a conclusion' on the offense and the person without necessarily condemning (judging & condemning is different). I think it is necessary to 'judge' the act and the person' because the act and the person will need to be forgiven later.
In the same way that when we beg for forgiveness, we apologize for our act and we apologize for being 'ignorant'.
To be more specific, if indeed, an offense was done ignorantly (mistakes) then the act may be "bad" but the person was just "neglectful" in that instance. It's more truthful than saying "the offense was bad"(period). :)
It helps us have a better grasp of the truths around us , and it helps us understand forgiving too.
God bless.
I feel the same as this qoute "we may also expect and even demand things of ourselves that we would never demand from others" we expect ourselves to be in high standard in what ever we do. When we are not able to keep us with this aim, then the process of forgiving ourselves for being week comes so hard
Sir Barrett: Thanks for your interest and a lot of good points, some more and others less on target - I guess I have sort of been using this post as if it were "therapy" in the sense of disclosing more of my own experience than usual, and of course it's hard for anyone who doesn't know me and most of the particulars of my situation to surmise what's going on.
You're absolutely right about not knowing the outcome yet. I still have several "irons in the fire." And of course one major thing is that the I did write the book. The manuscript exists.
And I'll mention that the issue of self-forgivensess, while real, is limited for me. I do understand it really makes no sense to blame myself when I can honesly say I've done everything under my control. For 12 years and to this day I've responded to all problems, which have been unbelievable because of the progressive undiagnosable medical situation, as challenges. (When I tell people my story it's like in "The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner" - it's like they're spellbound to learn how much someone can go through for how long. Our health care system is inhumane to, among other classes of people, those of us with conditions that are chronic and labor-intensive to try and diagnose.)
So no, I don't feel self contempt - too strong. It's more of an irrational feeling of having let everybody down that I'm grappling with as I approach a scenario in which it looks more rather than less likely that I'll be able to complete my work by publishing in any meaningful way.
It's not a feeling that I've wronged myself, but others - that's the irrational feeling, and that makes it hard to forgive - when you feel you let others down. My family, on whom I am in fact a burden, though of course they don't tell me this - but believe me, I am. The larger world, because the book was how my personal best energies and abilities came to express themselves toward doing something useful to others. And God, because the book has truly felt like a calling - I never set out to write a book, or "be an author," it just developed on its own. I even feel bad about having had to quit my job as an elementary school counselor - like I let the kids down when I wasn't able to come back after going out on medical leave!
Once this post is done, I will definitely stop being so self indulgent! But since I've gotten into this, I do want to emphasize that I know these feelings are unwarranted. But although they don't affect my behavior - I waste zero time hanging around wallowing in them - they are nevetheless an undercurrent.
Thanks for your patience and interest!
Doshar: Yes, you're right - in fact you could make an argument that I'm ridiculously harsh on myself.
Also you're right that I would have done the same for my family members, something which I realized all along.
While the loss of independence is very real, other losses have been so much worse that I feel that one relatively little.
Annie: Long story short, I researched publishing and publishers/agents thoroughly, so I've probably proceeded in about as effective manner as possible, with a few limitations owing to my circumstances.
Surprisingly - and thanks to your comment, I realize that this does sound like a contradiction, from the way you naturally inferred it - I don't feel condemned by God despite having that feeling of letting God down. I guess you could say I know God knows better than I do about this.
Asiansmiles: I have the feeling we're saying something pretty similar but just like using different words to describe it. So I think it's mainly semantics. When you speak of recognizing that the wrongdoer may have been neglectful, to me that's a concept of sin that's quite similar to the idea of sin as ignorance, or perhaps sin as our unavoidably flawed nature. For you that's a kind of judgment; for me it's being non-judgmental. Either way, we don't see the wrong doer as a kind of demon, maliciously and freely choosing evil for the pure love of it, so to speak.
On the subject of self-forgiveness, I come from a place alot like Tish's (who gave me the link to your blog, btw). My mother, my religious community, and my environment instilled on me a desire and driving need to be perfect. I had a year of therapy and years of introspection since then to be able to learn to forgive myself. But in a way, I think that forgiving ourselves for things should be done with much thought. If we blindly forgive ourselves for wrong doings without understanding why we did them in the first place, we're just setting ourselves up to do them again. There is a big gaping void between self forgiveness and rationalization. I think in the same way that we have to accept and understand the transgressions of others against us to truly be able to forgive, we have to accept and understand our own reasons for transgressing. I feel justified in my occasional self-loathing because I become a better person when I think through it and determine why.
By the way, fabulous discussion. Glad Tish linked me to your blog. :)
Thanks, Miriam. It also helps me to try to figure things out - really, and not rationalizing. When I do that, I've often found my feelings eventually "catch up" to my thoughts.
Maybe forgiveness isn't quite what we need to do with regard to ourselves. Maybe it's more like we need to stop taking responsibility for things over which we have no control.
For example, illness or the current state of the publishing industry.
The inverse of this would be taking personal pride in something like musical talent or physical beauty.
Both are very ego-centric attitudes. One is negative and one is positive, but both are self-absorbed and as a result, completely false.
With regard to self forgiveness, I think acceptance is the key. As with all kinds of forgiveness, you have to start with the acceptance of who you are and what is outside of your control. Otherwise, you are likely to be very confused.
It seems to me that the expectations we have bring us much misery. Rarely are our expectations realized which brings about guilt, shame, anger, frustration, etc. I've found if I try to accept with TRUST what life brings me as being the best thing for my spiritual growth, (not always easy to do) I can be much happier and the problem can be of much shorter duration.
I believe we come to this third dimensional plane to attend school. The spiritual being we are chooses and uses the circumstances best suited for our spiritual needs in this classroom. It's the ego self that often doesn't like what is happening to us. Anyway, that's my thought.
Please visit the blog my wife and I have put up to share some of her inspired writing. www.iw-05.blogspot.com
Matt, I agree - it would be best to eliminate expectations, especially of other human beings.
I also agree about the centrality of trusting life, or God, to our spiritual lives. Some of us have had our trust in other human beings broken in terrible and damaging ways that I couldn't have imagined prior to experiencing this for myself. For me it has helped to clarify that while many of us are lucky enough to go on all our lives feeling that we can count on others, even when this sense is lost, faith remains. Faith is bigger than any sense of being able to count on others; at least this has been my experience.
I'll definitely look at your blog when I get back to posting in another week, two at the most. Thanks for posting.
My Inaugural Address at the Great White Throne Judgment of the Dead, after I have raptured out billions!
At: http://www.angelfire.com/crazy/spaceman/
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